And truly Jesus did many other signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not written in this book; but these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name. John 20:30-31 NKJVWe are doing a sermon series in church right now, called the Miracles of Jesus. (You can find the message here, in the next few days, if you care to listen to it.) Yesterday was the first of the series, and our pastor challenged us to believe that miracles do still happen. He also gave us some of the reasons that he believes causes many of us to refrain from asking for miracles. He really made me stop and think.
You see, I have been refraining from asking for a miracle, not because I don't believe it can happen, but for fear that God will say no. Because you see, if I ask, that doesn't mean it's what's in God's will for me. And if I ask, I will hope for it, and any disappointment will be that much worse for me. It really isn't that I don't trust Him to provide for me. It's just that I know not every prayer will be answered the way I want it to be. If God gave me everything I wanted, I would be a spoiled Christian indeed. So what to do???
A little bit of history:
In May of 2000 I found out I was pregnant by my live in boyfriend. I had already fallen away from God at this point in my life, but I still believed when it was convenient for me. (Sound familiar?) I did not want to be pregnant when I first found out. The relationship was not going well, and in fact we had broken up. I cried out to God to make me miscarry so that I wouldn't have to have an abortion, because I did not want to kill the child. My prayer was not answered right away. I decided to try to make it work with the father, and was beginning to get used to the idea of having another child, and even started to really like the idea. And then at 11 weeks into the pregnancy, I started to bleed. We went to the hospital. Though I had quit bleeding, they performed an ultrasound, and though the fetus was still there, it was only the size of an 8 week pregnancy, and there was no heartbeat. My baby had died, and I needed to have an immediate D&C to remove the unborn baby. The baby had died right about the same time I had asked for it. I was devastated! Not only was there serious guilt because I had asked for exactly this, but I was extremely angry at God for giving me what I thought He should have known better than to give me. That was the beginning of my total disregard towards Him.
A couple months later, we conceived again. I was ecstatic! I so wanted another baby, after losing the last one. We went to the doctor, and immediately, we knew that something wasn't right. The size of my gestational sac and placenta weren't right, and the baby couldn't be found. I had a blighted ovum. In other words, the egg had survived long enough to implant itself in my uterus and cause it's life support to begin to grow, and then it "died." It never developed a heart beat, and in fact never really developed at all, except for the life support that was part of my own body. At what would have been 13 weeks of the pregnancy, I had to have another D&C. My body would not get rid of the growth on it's own. Again, I was devastated, but I buried the pain, after awhile, and had never really let myself love this second one. I was still very angry at God again though, and in fact, decided He must not exist. I decided that if He did exist that He didn't deserve my love or worship of Him. I mean why would I want to worship a God, or even acknowledge a God that would do this to me? That was my mindset. Obviously, it is not anymore.
Today, I find myself in much the same situation with this pregnancy. But I am praying for a miracle anyway. It would almost have to be a miracle for this child to be healthy and whole. Home pregnancy tests don't usually work as early as mine would have had to work, for this pregnancy to be a week off. But I am praying anyway. I am hoping again, and I will be severely disappointed if the answer is no. My miracle prayer is that this baby is alive and well when I go to visit the doctor tomorrow. Though I will be disappointed if the answer is no, my faith in miracles will not be shaken. I've already received numerous miracles in my life, many I did not even ask for. I refuse to be a spoiled Christian. I know that sometimes, God's answer is no, and that it IS always for the best. Had I not had the two miscarriages that I had in 2000, I would not be with my husband now. (He was not the father of those two babies.) I would probably be with the father of those babies, or would be raising another child on my own as a single mother. So I thank God that He answered my prayers the way He did, back then. I will also thank Him, no matter how He answers my prayer tomorrow.
There is no "MORE" to this post.
