A Happy Ending...Or Is It the Beginning?

This is going to be a difficult post, and one that may not be suitable for young readers, so please read it for yourself, before allowing any of your young ones to read it.

Now that I am an adult with children of my own, and faith in a God with high moral standards, I can look back across the span of time and see so many things I ought not to have done, and should have paid a lot more dearly for. Some of them are still effecting me to this day. One such event is the pregnancy and birth of my first daughter.

You see, I did not grow up in an atmosphere that frowned upon sex outside of marriage, and in fact, it was (for adults) perfectly acceptable, and the norm. So it's not surprising that I was, what some would term promiscuous as a 18 year old young woman. Let me tell you some of the story.

It was a few days before my 18th birthday, and I didn't have a boyfriend, but I did have a good friend that used to be my boyfriend, that I still very much thought I had feelings for. So I invited him to spend my birthday with me. We spent time doing things that many teens do, when they have no parental authority to answer to, or even worry about. We did not become an item again, it was all just a friendship "with benefits" as we liked to say back then. However, about a week later, I met a very nice man, and began dating him exclusively. He was a really nice guy. Unfortunately, at that time of my life, nice guys were not what I was into. How sad for me, but it was true, I cannot lie to you.

Sometime in mid to late April of 1992, I found out I had missed taking my birth control pills, and was very much pregnant. Because my pregnancy was the result of a missed pill, I could not accurately pin point when my last cycle had started. Because of all the irresponsibility on my part, my pregnancy had to be dated by ultrasound. If I recall correctly, the ultrasound stated that I was 13.8 weeks pregnant, by the time the appointment rolled around. By this time, I had decided that the nice guy was not the father of my child, and after getting the ultrasound done, it seemed to corroborate my certainty that he was not the father. If I counted back 13.8 weeks from the date of the ultrasound, the date landed squarely 1 day on either side of my birthday.

For those of you that are mothers, you may know that dating a pregnancy is taken from the date of the first day of your cycle, not from the day that the woman ovulates. You guessed it. Mr. Nice Guy was her father, and I didn't realize it until my daughter was 10 years old, and I actually took the time to pay attention to how things worked, and had a doctor that clarified the process for me. I guess about the only thing I knew when I became pregnant with her, was how it happened.

Well, here's where it gets interesting. After so many years, I no longer knew how to get in touch with him, and the sands of time had rubbed away some crucial memories, that would make finding him possible. Namely, whether his last name was what I remembered it to be, or not. However, I had always been honest with Mercedes, from the time I felt that she was old enough to understand, why her biological father was not part of her life.

Fast forward to about a week ago. Mercedes told Bobby that she was upset that I didn't seem to be looking very hard for her father, after I had told her not to try, that I would do it. To be perfectly honest, my efforts up to that point were only half-hearted. I really didn't expect to be able to find him very easily, if at all. What, with the lack of memory retention, and all.

Bobby took me aside after she told him that, and impressed upon me, just how important it was to Mercedes. So, finally, I got down to business. I scoured my brain, and the neighborhood he used to live in, trying to find any information that would help me find him. Well, I hit the jackpot, all at once today. I found her father, I found her aunt, and have been in contact with him, already. Mercedes is excited about the prospect of finally meeting the man that should have had the opportunity to be her father, and would have if not for my ignorance and naivete.

Don't get me wrong, though this is a humiliating truth about my life, I don't beat myself up about it so much. What's done is done, and there's no changing it. God had a plan, even in that.

So now, Mercedes is going to get to meet her father for the first time, sometime in the near future, and I'm wondering what kind of changes it's all going to bring. I have to admit to more that a little bit of anxiety about what may be coming, but I will trust in the Lord, and in His divine provision. Whatever happens, it will be for my good, and for theirs. I will ask however, that you pray for all of us, in this exciting, and somewhat scary transition we will soon be making. Pray for peace and stillness, while the Lord does what He has planned. I thank you, and my daughter would as well. Blessings to you all.

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The Bronze Laver by Shalene

I have gotten a little behind in a bible study I am doing of Beth Moore's study "A Woman's Heart God's Dwelling Place. However, I realized this morning that I have spent entirely too much time in self pity, and not enough time in His Word. So I began studying again. I came upon a powerful truth today, that I would like to share with you.

How many of you, that are believers, choose to say a repetitious prayer "God, forgive me of all my sins"? Have you ever thought that perhaps that is not nearly enough? I have, but today it was brought home fully. I am reading about the bronze laver that was placed between the tabernacle of meeting and the altar, for the Israelites that God brought out of Egypt. (Exodus 30:18 NKJV) This bronze laver was for washing the hands and feet of the priests before they could enter into the tabernacle of meeting. If they did not they would die.

Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD?
Or who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart, Psalm 24:3-4 NKJV

And did you know that the base of the laver was made of bronze mirrors? Why do you think that was? It was made to be a reflection of the priests' sins, so that they would have to truly examine their sins and repent of them.

Beth Moore states in her study that "several years ago I ceased the repetitious prayer 'Forgive me of all my sins' because I realized that I could not turn away from a sin I had not first confronted."

Have you thought about that? When you repent of your sins and ask forgiveness, do you first examine and confront each sin? What a daunting task! I don't want to do it, for sure, but I realize that unless I truly examine my heart, and my motives, I am not truly repenting, or dying to self. I do not have a Godly sorrow for my sins. If we are not truly sorry for a sin, and yet we ask God to forgive it, we are wasting our time. If you find yourself in this position, perhaps you should ask God for Godly sorrow so that you can truly repent and be guaranteed your forgiveness. (see 1 John 1:9 NKJV) This is what I shall be doing, to be sure.

let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrew 10:22 NKJV

Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 NKJV

The tabernacle of meeting was the place where the priests fellowshipped with God! How awesome that the priests had to first pass by the blood and the water before they could fellowship with Him. We too, must do the same thing. Jesus has already become our sacrifice, we must only accept it. Then we must be washed in the purifying water of the Spirit. Only then can we be in true fellowship with Him.

--Lord today, I confess my sins to you, and I ask your forgiveness, though I have not named them, each one here, I have named them to you personally, and I ask for your forgiveness of them. Lord I ask for a Godly sorrow to pierce my soul for every transgression against you, that I might be purified by the Spirit, and truly pure in Your sight. I pray this for all that read these words today as well. I pray these things in Jesus' Holy Name. Amen.

I'd like to recommend a couple songs for today. There is no video for them to show to you, but you can go to the website and listen to it. The song is Stay Near to God by Jon Shabaglian. Wake Up is also a great song. He is a relatively unknown artist, but you can just click on the song title in the playlist to listen to it. He is a local artist (to me) and could use your support, if you should choose to buy his music.

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