Entitlement and Marriage by Shalene

There is a plethora of advice out there for marriages these days. We are all aware of just how important a healthy marriage is, especially in light of the high divorce rates in both Christian and non- Christain marriages. We learn about "Love Languages", we learn about "seasons" of marriages, we learn about "promises" we can make to one another, but I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that the only advice and wisdom we need to have healthy marriages can be found in the Bible, if we will but apply it in our lives, and apply it consistently.

Mutual Submission- Having a Servant's Heart Ephesians 5:18-29 NKJV

These verses tell us how we are to behave towards our spouses. Women are to submit to their husbands, as they do to the Lord. Knowing that a faithful man will be mutually submissive in his love for her. It's not difficult to be submissive to a faithful man, but what if he's not, or not enough? What then? Well, to be blunt: You still have to do it. Just because one person doesn't follow God's instruction, doesn't mean you don't have to. It's like that old saying many mothers say to their children: "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" Just because you spouse doesn't behave appropriately, doesn't mean you're free to do the same. God holds us each accountable for our OWN behavior. Let me say that another way. You alone are responsible for your behavior, no one else; no matter what they do or don't do.

A Sense of Entitlement

Recently, in preparing marriage vows for a couple I am to marry, I came across this concept: it is important for a husband to learn something about receiving his wife by observing the manner in which God created Eve. God did not use a bone from Adam’s foot to suggest he should “lord it over” the wife. Nor did he take a bone from his head to suggest that Eve should “lord it over” the husband. In choosing to use Adam’s rib it is suggested that Eve was created to share life at Adam’s side, close to his heart.

Why is it that we think that our spouses owe us something, in the manner that they treat us? That makes no sense at all, when we think of a marriage in the biblical sense. We all have learned "The Golden Rule." Treat others as we would have them treat us. Or better yet, LOVE others as we would have them LOVE us. It doesn't say LOVE them the way they LOVE us, or treat them the way they TREAT us. God loves us no matter what we do or don't do. PERIOD. He instructs us to do the same, towards everyone- including our spouses and other family members. We MUST lose our sense of entitlement. Our thought that our actions somehow are deserving of some better treatment, only makes for weakened marriages and relationships. Only when we are able to do that, and truly love others as Christ loves us, will we have strong marriages.

Now, I am aware, as a mere sinful human, that this is not something that is easy to do. It's not always easy to do in my own marriage. However, when I do, it's amazing the changes that are wrought! I've found throughout my life that it is very difficult for a person to treat you badly, if you are consistently treating them with love and respect.

Loving Someone That Seems Unloveable

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8 NKJV

What happens in a relationship where you are constantly thinking about the bad traits of that person? It becomes your main focus. I have found this to be true time and time again. Especially, when there is something someone is doing that I don't like. When I lose focus on what is pure, lovely and of good report, I find I only see that which is not. If we would focus only on the good in our spouses, forgiving unconditionally- whether it's asked for or not, again, our marriages would be so much stronger. Now I'm not saying we should be doormats, never resolving our conflicts, but once a conflict becomes the main focus of a relationship, it becomes very hard to move past that. I like to call this having God covered glasses, as opposed to rose colored glasses. Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love with your mate? How you thought they were just the cat's meow? Everything about them was wonderful? Well, most of the time, that doesn't change. Every one of us keeps those main good things about ourselves throughout our lives. It makes us who we are. We just forget to look for them in our spouses when we focus on the negative traits.