Mask? No, Thank You.

No, this post is not about Halloween, or participating in the "festivities" associated with it. This post is about being real. Many of you know that I've gone through some really hard times lately, and much of it was of my own making. However, what you don't know, is how much better I'm doing, now that I've taken my mask completely off.

For the most part, I tried to be authentic and real, but when you get right down to the fact of the matter, I wasn't being nearly real enough. You see, I fell into that trap that so many Christians fall into. The one where we think we have to be somebody we aren't so that we can portray an image of "Christlikeness." The problem with that is, if we're portraying an image, then we are most definitely NOT being Christlike. I thank the Lord that He showed me the error of my ways.

I've become so much healthier in the last few months than I ever dreamed I could be. And I have alot farther to go. My marriage and my family have been under attack lately, and it is so reassuring to know that now that I am who I am, and not someone I think I should be, I'm able to withstand the many temptations he throws my way.

Some of the things I've been through in the last few months is rebuilding a damaged marriage (we're still working on that one, but we ARE getting there.) I've also learned that I was pregnant again, after almost a year of trying; and then learning that once again the pregnancy wasn't viable. I just had the D&C last Monday, to rid my body of the products of the pregnancy that would not leave on their own. (There was NO embryonic material...in other words, no baby. Only the gestational sac.) That was heart breaking, but I am still holding strong in the Lord.

I am learning to hold fast in the Lord, and to meditate on His Word daily. I'm learning what it truly means to have a relationship with Him. I mean REALLY and TRULY have a relationship with Him. Not some country club membership, like so many Christians have. I'm not trying to put anyone down, I just wanted to share the changes that have occurred in my own life.

It's been awhile since I posted anything here, and while I don't have any great insights to offer to anyone, other than to "check yourself" to see that the relationship you have with the Lord is real and true. It's amazing the changes that I have felt, and seen in my own life and that of my family. I just wanted to update everyone, and to let you all know that I'm still around. Just not online so much anymore. I'm learning (or re-learning) to sew, I've decided to go back to school to become a counselor, and I'm actively working my recovery. So much accomplished through the Good Lord's help. I pray you all are blessed, and I will continue to pray for all of you.

Entitlement and Marriage by Shalene

There is a plethora of advice out there for marriages these days. We are all aware of just how important a healthy marriage is, especially in light of the high divorce rates in both Christian and non- Christain marriages. We learn about "Love Languages", we learn about "seasons" of marriages, we learn about "promises" we can make to one another, but I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that the only advice and wisdom we need to have healthy marriages can be found in the Bible, if we will but apply it in our lives, and apply it consistently.

Mutual Submission- Having a Servant's Heart Ephesians 5:18-29 NKJV

These verses tell us how we are to behave towards our spouses. Women are to submit to their husbands, as they do to the Lord. Knowing that a faithful man will be mutually submissive in his love for her. It's not difficult to be submissive to a faithful man, but what if he's not, or not enough? What then? Well, to be blunt: You still have to do it. Just because one person doesn't follow God's instruction, doesn't mean you don't have to. It's like that old saying many mothers say to their children: "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" Just because you spouse doesn't behave appropriately, doesn't mean you're free to do the same. God holds us each accountable for our OWN behavior. Let me say that another way. You alone are responsible for your behavior, no one else; no matter what they do or don't do.

A Sense of Entitlement

Recently, in preparing marriage vows for a couple I am to marry, I came across this concept: it is important for a husband to learn something about receiving his wife by observing the manner in which God created Eve. God did not use a bone from Adam’s foot to suggest he should “lord it over” the wife. Nor did he take a bone from his head to suggest that Eve should “lord it over” the husband. In choosing to use Adam’s rib it is suggested that Eve was created to share life at Adam’s side, close to his heart.

Why is it that we think that our spouses owe us something, in the manner that they treat us? That makes no sense at all, when we think of a marriage in the biblical sense. We all have learned "The Golden Rule." Treat others as we would have them treat us. Or better yet, LOVE others as we would have them LOVE us. It doesn't say LOVE them the way they LOVE us, or treat them the way they TREAT us. God loves us no matter what we do or don't do. PERIOD. He instructs us to do the same, towards everyone- including our spouses and other family members. We MUST lose our sense of entitlement. Our thought that our actions somehow are deserving of some better treatment, only makes for weakened marriages and relationships. Only when we are able to do that, and truly love others as Christ loves us, will we have strong marriages.

Now, I am aware, as a mere sinful human, that this is not something that is easy to do. It's not always easy to do in my own marriage. However, when I do, it's amazing the changes that are wrought! I've found throughout my life that it is very difficult for a person to treat you badly, if you are consistently treating them with love and respect.

Loving Someone That Seems Unloveable

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8 NKJV

What happens in a relationship where you are constantly thinking about the bad traits of that person? It becomes your main focus. I have found this to be true time and time again. Especially, when there is something someone is doing that I don't like. When I lose focus on what is pure, lovely and of good report, I find I only see that which is not. If we would focus only on the good in our spouses, forgiving unconditionally- whether it's asked for or not, again, our marriages would be so much stronger. Now I'm not saying we should be doormats, never resolving our conflicts, but once a conflict becomes the main focus of a relationship, it becomes very hard to move past that. I like to call this having God covered glasses, as opposed to rose colored glasses. Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love with your mate? How you thought they were just the cat's meow? Everything about them was wonderful? Well, most of the time, that doesn't change. Every one of us keeps those main good things about ourselves throughout our lives. It makes us who we are. We just forget to look for them in our spouses when we focus on the negative traits.

TRIPLE-A RELATIONSHIP GUIDE by Gail Rodgers

True spirituality is evidenced in our lives through our relationships. It's one of the most nitty gritty places where we desperately need the Spirit of God on a daily basis.

Think of the three most important relationships in your life right now. Think of each one of the individuals in those relationships. Ask God to help you build into that relationship today in these three ways.

All relationships need the triple-A treatment. Be intentional in offering:

Appreciation

Watch for the things you can appreciate in a specific person today. Focus on the positives. Be willing to express appreciation where you can. So often we don't take the time to notice the things someone else does for us. Watch for the things you may have started to take for granted and voice your appreciation sincerely.

Attention

Be willing to slow down long enough today to give some focused attention to someone in your top three relationships. Stop to really listen when they are talking to you. Make the effort to look into their eyes when you are speaking with them or listening to them. Book a time with them to go for coffee or do something you keep meaning to do together. Be intentional about your awareness and consideration of the other person.

Affection

Give affection to these most important people in your life. Don't be stingy with hugs or pats. Speak with tenderness and kindness in your voice rather than the hurried irritation that creeps into "too busy" lives. Say "I love you" to those dearest to you often. Offer your spouse some focused time of physical attention. Touch is one of the greatest gifts we can give to those we love.

Jesus' words in John 13:35 when he said, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another", really begins at home.

Father God,

Thank You for the special people You have put into my life. I confess that I am often too busy to take the time to apply these three A's to my relationships. Help me today to be deliberate in giving appreciation, attention and affection. May my life and my part in my relationships be characterized by Your love. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Taking Time for Personal Growth by Mary Byers

One of the paradoxes of motherhood is that what we need as mothers is often the first thing we give up in order to be mothers. This is certainly true of making time for our own spiritual and personal growth. We often forego it in order to focus more fully on our children. It's a dilemma: see to your own needs, or see to theirs.

When my youngest child was in preschool, I decided to take tap dancing lessons. Doing so was the first time since the birth of my children that I acknowledged I didn't cease to exist the moment they were born—and admitted I could continue to have a life outside my role as "mom." It's a lesson my mom modeled for me, but until I was a mother myself, I didn't understand it.

A search for the “me” in mother.

It’s a lesson we can learn from. If we’re not looking for the “me” in mother, we end up simply seeing the “other” in mother. We don’t have to give ourselves over completely to our children. It is possible to continue to exist separately from them, even as we are existing for them.

You still have things to learn. Things to experience. Things to do. And it’s important that your children know this. Self-growth is the way we show our children that life doesn’t stop just because we are adults--that the process of becoming who God intends us to be is life long.

The lesson is best shared by modeling. It may be as simple as letting your children see you reading a book. Or studying your Bible. Or looking up something in the dictionary. Or digging in your garden. Or knitting your first scarf. Or beading a bracelet. Or identifying a bird in your backyard. Or decorating a cake. Or making a soufflé. Or organizing a school party. What they see is not important. That they see it is.

Though modeling growth for your children is important for them, it’s also important for you. Your own growth is like a well of cool, refreshing water. When you are filled with energy, enthusiasm, and excitement, you can let your kids and spouse drink from your well without worrying if there will be enough water for everyone. You know there will be. And though you might have to fight for the time to see to your own growth, knowing your well is full makes the fight worth it, because when we see to our own spiritual and personal growth, we can, by extension, see to the growth of our children.

Mary Byers is a professional speaker and author of the newest Hearts at Home book, The Mother Load: How to Meet Your Own Needs While Caring for Your Family, which will be released soon. She will be speaking at the 2005 Hearts at Home conferences, where she will encourage moms to take care of themselves so that they are more able to care for their families. She lives with her husband and two youngest children in central Illinois.

Copyright Hearts at Home 2006, used with permission. For more information about Hearts at Home: 1-309-888-MOMS or www.hearts-at-home.org.

Assessments - Smalley Relationship Center

Assessments - Smalley Relationship Center: "Identify Your Core Fear—Take the Test!
All of us have a core fear that can paralyze our relationships! That fear may take many shapes: fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of you-name-it. From where does this fear come? Take the Core Fear test and read the explanation!"

Marriage Test Interpretations - Smalley Relationship Center

I took the test located on this site, and remarkably, it was a good fit. It's free and only takes about 15 seconds of your time. Try it out.
Marriage Test Interpretations - Smalley Relationship Center: "Marriage Test Interpretations
So how did you score?

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