Perhaps I Spoke Too Soon by Shalene

Yesterday, I kept thinking about that song by the Rolling Stones. That song about the "Mother's Little Helper" (Yes, I'm that old.) :) And I kept thinking that a couple weeks ago, I spoke too soon. I do that often. Speaking too soon, that is. But that's another subject for another day.

Today I'm speaking of the fact that I'm going to be taking the little yellow pill again (No, I'm not talking about the same one that the Rolling Stones sing about in "Mother's Little Helper". Not a very pleasant song in my opinion.) The results of the pill I will be taking will be similar to the Rolling Stones song though, in that they are an antidepressant.

When did I speak to soon? I spoke too soon when I said I couldn't remember the last time I had an episode that was severe enough to warrant medication. Though it is true that I couldn't recall one at the time I made that statement, though you may find it hard to believe, I am in the throes of one now.

I have determined though, that it is not a lack of faith on my part (nor do I EVER make the determination that it is, for someone else), but it is actually a result of postpartum depression. I had forgotten about that insidious monster that creeps upon me after the birth (or in this case miscarriage) of my children.

The last time I gave birth, I didn't have the symptoms because, you guessed it, I was taking the little yellow pill, and had throughout my pregnancy. I do seem to recall though, that my dose was upped after her birth. I don't really remember clearly. One of the big reasons why I'm not happy about going back on my medication. The loss of emotional lows and even the highs that make for memories.

The flip side is though, that I'm not all that happy right now as it is. Though I have faith in the Lord to see me through, and all the faith that I will come out the other side of this better in the long run, I hate what I feel. I feel out of control. Like I'm going nuts. I'm agitated, irritable, sleepless, and alternately fatigued, unable to concentrate or think very well, and just plain not normal.

I am so thankful that they don't just lock women (or men) like me up anymore. I'm not a danger to myself, or to anyone else, but sometimes my moods may indicate otherwise. I will be relatively normal one moment, and a raging lunatic the next, with almost no provocation. I cannot do that to my husband or my children. They deserve so much more than that.

So, now that I've vented a bit, I'll ask for you prayers. I'm certain that this will be a short lived stint back on the medication, but definitely necessary. I ask for your prayers for my healing and return to normalcy. I ask for your prayers over my family, that they can understand that they aren't making me crazy, that my own traitorous body is making me crazy. And please pray for the peace of the Lord in my life. I know only He can provide it. Thank you, and blessings to you.

There is no "MORE" to this post.

Thorns in the Flesh by Shalene

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NKJV

Paul never does say exactly what the thorn in his flesh is, but we know that he takes pleasure in it. Despite the fact that he most certainly wished that he was not afflicted thus. I too have been given a thorn of the flesh. Mine is depression. Some days it is very hard for me to take pleasure in anything.

I was diagnosed with my "thorn" only a couple years ago, but have suffered from it for my entire life. I do not take medication for it anymore, but I do not expect that others could- or should- choose to do the same thing. This was just my personal choice. Do not misunderstand me. There are days when I think I most certainly should still be medicated. The last few days have come close to qualifying. However, I remain faithful that the Lord has a purpose for my pain, and that is so that He is glorified.

I do not write this for your sympathy, only to explain my inability to write a post worth much the last couple days. I am emotionally spent, and it takes all the energy I have just to read my bible and keep myself sane, knowing that my infirmities, and in this case the catalyst for my infirmity (my testimony) bring Him all glory.

So, remember that no matter the thorn in your flesh, if God has chosen not to remove from you that infirmity, there is some way that it glorifies the Lord, and you should take pleasure in it. Read His Holy Word; stay strong, knowing that He loves you, and that His grace is sufficient for you.

--Lord, I pray today that though you have not taken my thorn from my flesh, that I remember everyday to take pleasure in it, because through it, I will glorify Your name. I can think of no greater honor than this. Continue to use me Lord, and continue to use my words to reach out to others that have their own thorns. I ask and pray these things in Jesus' Holy Name, Amen.


Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crowns

This Is The Day by Shalene Kearney

This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

I hear this psalm first thing every morning when I wake up, and I think "HAH! What if I don't want to rejoice? It is morning after all. I am not a morning person!" But the verse plays over and over in my head until I speak the words out loud. And then something miraculous happens. Though I'd still love to be asleep, I have now acknowledged that the Lord has indeed made another day for me, and I can do nothing but be glad in it.

Oh I know that the day may not be especially great, or that I may not like something that is likely to happen at some point in the day, but how can I not rejoice that the Lord has given me one more day with my children and my family.

I can rejoice that the sun is shining for another day; I can rejoice that I have the opportunity to reach out to others in Christ's name; I can rejoice that I am simply alive. I am aware that there are those that have a hard time with rejoicing that they are alive. I've been there, I understand. I too have had many dark, dark days. Days when I wished the sun would quit shining, because it seemed a slap in the face of my emotional being. However, a day came when I cried out to the Lord, and pleaded with Him to take my pain away, and to heal my brokenness. He has, all in the simple way that He moves the Spirit within me to recite these words over and over in my head until I say them out loud and believe them for myself.

I am not trying to tell anyone that they can just "snap out" of their negative emotional state. Quite the contrary, actually. What I am saying is that while we may suffer from bouts of depression, worry or anxiety, if we just keep our eyes and hearts on the Lord, and read His Word, we can overcome anything. He will help us through. He does not leave us alone during any of it. Though I usually think of God as a fatherly type figure, in this one instance, I kind of compare Him to a small child, who upon seeing their mother crying goes and picks a flower and gives her a hug to make her feel better. That's the way I see each new day that the Lord has made. As a great big hug and flowers to brighten my day. Because of this how can I not simply- rejoice and be glad in it?

---Lord, today I say a humble "Thank You" for this day you have made for me and for all mankind. You do not have to be with us each day, and you don't have to ease our hurts, but like any good father, you want to. You love us and it shows in everything You do. Even something so simple for you to do, as to provide another glorious day. I ask that you continue to remind me to rejoice and be glad in everyday. I ask this is Jesus' Holy Name.
Amen